Tonight’s Kate Bush session produced a surprising and not at
all pleasant experience. I set another of her albums to run in one tab while I
did other things in others, and I found myself suffering a curious and deep
discomfort.
I couldn’t understand it. Never For Ever is an excellent album full of excellent tracks, and
my high opinion of Kate Bush must be obvious by now. Eventually I decided it
must be an association thing, so I thought back to what I was doing when I had
that album originally and listened to it frequently. And there was the key.
At that time I was trying to enjoy life in a way that ran
counter to my high ideals, ideals I’d had since childhood. I was trying to fit
in with the received attitudes of the times; I was trying to belong, and I wasn’t
being true to myself. In short, I greatly dislike the person I was then – or was
at least trying to be. And therein lies the conflict and resultant discomfort: reliving
who I was then and setting it next to who I am now.
Living up to your ideals sets you adrift. It alienates you,
and alienation can be uncomfortable at times. But it isn’t as uncomfortable as
trying to live without them.
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