Monday 13 December 2010

Sex and Marriage Aren't Always Siblings.

A female friend said to me once that if a married man has even the slightest inclination to sleep with another woman, it proves there must be something wrong with his marriage. I told her that I regard this as a naïve, simplistic and fundamentally flawed idea because it’s based on a false presumption.

It presumes what our culture, geared as it is to Judaic notions of morality and the family unit, wants us to believe – that sex, romance, love and companionship are inseparable; that they all sit together in the same emotion centre. They don’t, at least not in everybody. I suspect it might be truer in the case of women, but I have known men who feel an irrepressible need to sleep around and maybe use prostitutes, and yet still have a perfectly happy and successful marriage.

Don’t misunderstand me here; I’m not suggesting that a man should behave that way, because his wife has a right to have her feelings taken into account. This isn’t a male-oriented, sexist post. I accept that if a man truly makes a commitment to a woman through the act of marrying her, he is obligated to respect her view on exclusivity. What I’m saying is that the fact that he wants to behave in such a manner doesn’t necessarily mean there’s a flaw in his relationship with his wife. It simply means that his sexual proclivities reside in one emotion centre, while his concept of love and companionship – the basics of a happy marriage - lives in another. They’re not connected. Lots of men – and some women, too, I expect – are simply made that way.

As to where my predilections fit into this issue, I think we’ve had quite enough TMI for one day.

7 comments:

Zz... said...

i get it, wow I'm good. LOL I swear I am a man inside...haha

JJ said...

Really? Do you ever get confused?

Wendy said...

I agree with you that this black and white thinking that even if you're married you shouldn't even fantasize about having "relations" with another is just wishful thinking. And you're also right that just because a person has fantasies about another doesn't mean they need to act on it. When I used to counsel couples, I saw a lot of emotional infidelity which is a whole other topic. So, please stay on your high horse ;)

Jeanne said...

I am in total agreement with you. Both sexes are hardwired to want to procreate with one of the opposite sex that they find attractive. For men it is women with wide hips and large breasts. For women it is men whom they find virile. Scent (pheremones) has a lot to do with it as well.
And just because a person has fantasies about another does not mean that they do not love their mate.
We each have a way that works for us when it comes to relationships. And should not judge others by our standards.

JJ said...

Gosh, ladies! I thought you'd all be throwing hot irons at me for this post. Thank you.

High horse, Wendy? Me?!!

Oddly enough, Jeanne, I always preferred the sylphan tomboy type. Weird? And I thought women were supposed to be attracted to men's minds. That was all the hope I had left!

Jeanne said...

There's always an oddball in every group... LOLOL (just teasing!)
Personally, for me, it is a man's scent that attracts me.

JJ said...

Sweat or Channel?