The weather has turned a lot colder here. The wind has risen considerably and we’re getting frequent showers of cold, spitting rain. The spring season is being cruelly capricious this year. The warmth we had in March and April brought the garden on early, and now the near-gale-force wind is beating the taller flowers down. It seems that Madame Spring feels some perverse need to destroy her own bounty.
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Being a thinking person has its disadvantages. Let’s suppose you have a serious emotional flaw, one that rarely shows itself and so is invisible to most people, but which is strong enough to lay you flat just as surely as a spring gale will level a tulip. And when that flaw is triggered, it kindles a fire inside you that obscures nearly every normal sense of the world and replaces them with a universal and enervating rage. I’ve known a number of people who have had that problem, and they’ve usually vented the rage by turning it outwards. They do so because, to them, the rage seems right and natural. But suppose you’re a ‘thinking person’ who knows that the rage isn’t right and natural; it’s a flaw. And suppose your capacity to be thoughtful is so strong that it remains active in spite of the fire. Then you have a problem because you know that the only person against whom you can direct the rage is yourself. And that means there’s no venting it.
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Apart from family, I can count on the fingers of one hand the number of people who are substantially significant to me. Losing two of them in the same week isn’t pleasant. It’s a bastard.
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No more posts from me today, I think, and no getting nicely inebriated tonight. Tonight calls for a more serious attempt at anaesthesia. See you tomorrow.
7 comments:
What happened???
The weather here sounds much the same as yours. Hope things start looking up soon!
Sorry to hear about the loss of your friends/family. :o(
I can't say that I understand your pain though pain of losing loved ones is universal.
I mean to say I stopped by and listened and hope this doesn't take too long.
Take care.
Maria: Not entirely sure. Something to do with being out of step with those tedious aspects of reality that most people think are the only 'real' ones, I suppose. And something to do with being burned beyoned endurance by a kindred spirit. I think. I'm trying to relocate to a world that only poets, artists and mystics seem to understand. It carries risks.
Andrea: Not friends/family exactly, at least not in the conventional sense. Sorry I haven't commented on your latest post yet. Still trying to re-animate the stranded jellyfish.
Me-shan. Thank you. There might be more to come yet 'Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but some day and for the rest of my life.' (Casablanca.) I so admire the Rick mentality, but I struggle to match his courage.
"I'm trying to relocate to a world that only poets, artists and mystics seem to understand."
I was once on that path but got knocked off of it. I'm hoping to find my way back to it again someday. It does indeed have its risks... some of them scary.
I've found that life has it's phases, Andrea. For some of us, the differences are more dramatic than for others. And they seem to change just when you're ready.
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