More Little Preoccupations.

Not many words rhyme with Google.

My favourite funny line from a book is ‘My mother-in-law looks like a dog’s bum with a hat on’ (Spike Milligan.) Actually, there’s an equally funny one in the same book, but decency and political correctness forbid its repetition.

People who read this blog but don’t know me personally must really wonder sometimes.

I haven’t told Sarah why I’m a fraud yet. My car winked at her the other day, but fortunately she wasn’t looking at it. Even more fortunately, neither was her mother.

Sarah’s mother doesn’t look like a dog’s bum with a hat on. Just thought I should say.

My intolerance of adverts is becoming a phobia. Must invent a name for it. Collecting phobias is my latest hobby.

Had to stifle a sneeze this morning because my mouth was full of half-chewed hemp seeds. The resulting sore sinuses are still raging, but at least the kitchen isn’t covered in gooey little black spots.

Is there a way of telling whether fish are happy?

It’s odd that all my clocks gain in this house, when they didn’t in the previous one. And both my Christmas and Easter Cactuses bloom out of season, which they didn’t in the previous one either. I think there’s something odd about this house.

I’ve finally seen through the urban myth that purity is boring.

My record for flicking overlapped beer mats and catching them on the other side still stands at twelve, set when I was about eighteen. I was a real adrenalin junkie in those days.

I only ever got thrown out of a pub for rowdy behaviour once, and I only ever threw a cup of coffee at a wall in anger once. I never strangled anybody, at least not so hard that they died from it. As far as I know.

I can never decide whether I want to be taken seriously or not.

I keep seeing movement in my peripheral vision, which suggests that either I’m becoming attuned to subtler frequencies or there’s something not quite right about me.

The main reason for making this list is to deflect attention from what’s been pissing me off all day. Pruning shrubs didn’t work.

I could do with a drink.