Friday 11 November 2011

Life, Change and Being Impulsive.

She said ‘If I have the means to come visit you, would you still want to see me?’ Conditions apart, this effectively amounts to somebody offering to spend probably the bulk of her savings flying from America to see me. Circumstances were such that I had to say ‘no.’ What kind of an arsehole do you think that makes me feel?

But let’s look at it another way. How could either of us know how we would feel by the time she was ready to come and visit me? At the moment I don’t want to see her, but by Christmas my whole set of sensibilities and priorities might have changed and I might be desperate to see her. By then, however, her feelings might have changed, or she might have found my new set of sensibilities and priorities not to her taste. (In actual fact, I’m reasonably sure she must hate me with a vengeance now anyway, but that’s beside the point.)

The point I’m making is simple. If I want something and it’s available, I want it now. That isn’t being a spoiled brat, that’s just recognising that tomorrow it might not be available, or tomorrow I might not want it.

And then there’s the Changing Circumstances factor. When she told me of her prospective move to New York, I predicted the end of our relationship. ‘Why? It’s just a change of address. Nothing else will change.’ Wrong. Changes don’t happen in isolation. Every change comes accompanied by a variably-sized tribe of sibling changes. Experience, instinct and self-awareness left me in no doubt that the end was inevitable, one way or another. And so it was.

OK, just wanted to get that off my chest before making dinner.

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