More Things We Remember.

I was travelling to the Yorkshire Dales on a geography field study trip from school. I was fifteen. I was with half my class in a minibus driven by Mr Whieldon, the head of music, with a young woman RE teacher called Miss Moran sitting next to him. To break the monotony, I offered to sing a silly song.

There’s a well known music hall song in Britain called ‘Oh Dear, What Can the Matter Be?’ The chorus runs:

Oh dear, what can the matter be?

Three old ladies locked in the lavatory.

They’ve been there from Monday till Saturday.

Nobody knew they were there.

I’d never heard any of the verses, so I decided to make up my own. I still remember them.

The first was the Bishop of Chichester’s daughter

She started to pee when she shouldn’t have oughta

The place she was in became flooded with water

And nobody knew she was there.

Chorus

The second one’s name was Elizabeth Humphrey

She sat down so hard she could not get her bum free

And she’s been there from Monday till Saturday.
Nobody knew she was there.

Chorus

The third one’s name was Elizabeth Vendor

She went in there to mend a suspender,

But got caught up with her feminine gender

And nobody knew she was there.

Final chorus.

Miss Moran looked at me with a glint in her eye, a wry smile, and a shake of her head. I recall feeling flattered.

The things we remember.