Covering the Soaps.

One of my little weekly amusements is to see what the TV listings magazine is showing on its cover. It’s always the same format – a bleed shot of two or three of the characters from one of those hilariously turgid soaps, always photographed against the same blue background in a photographer’s studio, doing mean.

They’re hopelessly unconvincing, of course, unless you've succumbed to negative conditioning to such an extent that you've started to see soaps as being both realistic and examples of good drama, and they always have splattered across them a dramatic tag line in oversized lettering, complete with the obligatory exclamation mark. A selection from recent weeks includes:

I’LL DESTROY YOU!

Don’t die my darling! (It seems expressions of affection don’t warrant caps.)

We’re going TO DIE! (I think that’s an example of elegant variation.)

Out of CONTROL!

I know the TRUTH!

Who’s the dad? (Dishonour evidently outdid death this week, hence the question mark. A wimpy one for a change.)

And just to make sure that at least 33% of the population tune in, they’ve now started carrying the bonus of a few thumbnails at the bottom of the cover, complete with an extra tag line. This week’s copy has:

Eastenders: Abi’s pregnant. (Seems the typesetter forgot the exclamation mark!)

Emmerdale: Rhona overdoses! (The replacement typesetter didn’t.)

Coronation Street: Hidden CCTV catches Ken picking his nose when he thought nobody was looking!!!

I made one of them up.