A Tale of Two Towns.

The two towns nearest to where I live are Ashbourne and Uttoxeter. Ashbourne is in the county of Derbyshire, Uttoxeter in the neighbouring county of Staffordshire (which is my home county, don’t you know.) The two towns are similar in size, and both have a few old buildings of historical and architectural note. In all other respects they are markedly different.

Ashbourne is a genteel, polite sort of place, and has a well fed look about it. Uttoxeter has an impoverished air, and the people are noticeably thinner. You’re far more likely to hear an expletive uttered in anger in Uttoxeter, and you’re more inclined to avoid offending the womenfolk for fear of being garrotted with the rusty wire they use to hold their corsets in place. You’re also more likely to see a drunk fall over in a Uttoxeter street at pretty much any time of the day. I’ve never seen it myself, but I’d be far less surprised if I did.

Dr Johnson has an association with both towns, having stood in the rain to do penance in Uttoxeter, and having applied unsuccessfully for a schoolmaster’s position in Ashbourne. Uttoxeter folk are proud of their connection to the great man, and even built a memorial in his honour. Ashbourne folk never mention him. He was a debt-ridden vagabond for part of his life, you see, and Ashbourne doesn’t like to be seen in the company of debt-ridden vagabonds.

It would be reasonable to suggest, therefore, that Ashbourne is the more comfortable of the two, but Uttoxeter the more interesting. I shop in Ashbourne, partly because it’s quicker to get to, and partly because I prefer the supermarket there.

Today I went to Ashbourne. It was boring as usual. The only noteworthy facts associated with the trip were:

a) The supermarket had Greene King’s IPA Gold beer at half price.

b) I saw a one-eyed dog which reminded me of a Christy Moore song, about a drunken man encountering ‘a group of creatures with the strangest looking features’ on his way home from the pub, one of which asks him whether he has any sisters.

And here’s the song. There’s no video, unfortunately, but it does have a catchy tune and silly, slightly surreal lyrics. I doubt that anybody in Ashbourne ever plays it.