The Thank You Note.

The nurses on Ward 202 in the Royal Derby this week were quite lovely. And there was another full time woman who oversaw the non-clinical services like cleaning, food provision and so on. She had an air of studied nuttiness about her – always bustling about singing and making allegedly humorous observations, presumably in the not unreasonable belief that hospital patients need cheering up. (And she was generally right as long as we weren’t trying to sleep.) All in all I was quite pleased with them and so I wrote a thank you note when I got home. It said:

Dear Nursing Staff

You might recall that I was incarcerated in ward 202 and subject to your tender mercies between 6^th and 8^th August. May I say that you were all the perfect bunch of clucking hens and that your care, concern and dedication was greatly appreciated. In particular, it was most reassuring to note how much unruffled attention you were able to give to patients whilst under the weight of pressures forced on you by an underfunded system. Well, underfunded or not, the NHS remains, in my view, the jewel in the crown of British culture and you are perfect exemplars of the fact. Many thanks to you.

Would you mind also proffering my greetings to Bertha Rochester who oversees the non-clinical functions? She, too, helped make the days lighter. But please be vigilant and ensure that she doesn’t creep into the ward during the wee small hours and set fire to the odd patient here and there. Bertha Rochesters are known for that unfortunate predilection and the ward wouldn’t smell too good if she were allowed free rein.

Very best wishes to you all. Your profession is a most noble one.

Sincerely

I wonder whether they liked it. I wonder whether they know who Bertha Rochester is. I wonder whether they’ll put it on their pin board between Schedule of Catheter Bag Emptying and List of Patients Whose Bowel Functions Need Querying. I wonder whether I dare show my face there again (or any other part of me for that matter.) I hope I’ll never need to.