The Moons on My Torso.

When I came out of hospital last Wednesday I still had three rubbery tabs stuck to my torso, two on my chest and one on the left hand side of my rib cage. They each had a blunt metal pin in the centre so I assume they were something to do with the ECG monitor, and when I pulled them off they each left two small crescent shaped marks on the skin.

They’re still there; no amount of washing them in the shower has any effect and I don’t know what to do about them. You see all these purportedly specialist cleaning products in the hardware stores – one for the sink unit, one for the worktops, another for the bathtub, yet another for the tiled floor etc, etc – but I haven’t seen anything for the removal of ECG tab sticky marks. You’d think they’d invent one, wouldn’t you?

So where do I go from here? Should I hope that one day I meet a young sapiosexual who will be in a good enough mood one night to want to examine my bare torso for signs of life, and who will exclaim:

‘Oh, Mr Beazley. You have six crescent moons on your torso, four on your chest and two on the left hand side of your rib cage. How very delightful. Do tell me how you came to be so blessed.’

Erm, I got them after walking in a fairy glen one day.

‘A fairy glen, was it? Oh, you lucky man. So why are they black instead of silver with little sparkly bits?’

Maybe they used black marker pens.

‘Oh dear, oh dear. Fairies never use black marker pens, my dear Mr B. Only goblins use those, and that isn’t so good. I really think I should do something about this. Now let me see…’

This conversation could go anywhere, couldn’t it? I think I’ll shut up now.