Spotting Reality in Another World.

Britney wasn’t the brightest button in the box. She’d hardly ever set foot across the school gateway and had never even heard of biology, much less known what it meant; and her command of English vocabulary was about on a par with a goat herder from Xinjiang Province. What’s more, her mother was usually either very high or very low on something and hardly ever spoke to her apart from muttering the odd expletive now and then. So when Britney started vomiting quite a lot and experiencing vague discomfort in her lower abdomen, she took herself off to a doctor for advice.

‘It’s quite simple,’ said the doctor. ‘You’re pregnant.’

‘I’m what?’

‘Pregnant.’

‘What does that mean?’

‘You’re going to have a baby.’

‘Am I?’

‘Yes.’

‘When?’

‘Can’t really tell without a more detailed examination, but at a rough guess I’d say in about five to six months time.’

‘Oh. Will Santa Claus bring it?’

‘Erm, no.’

‘Who will then?’

‘Nobody. You’ve already got it. It’s growing inside your tummy. Well, just about there to be more precise.’

‘I’ve got a baby growing inside me?’

‘Yes.’

‘That’s gross.’

‘Most people would say it’s rather beautiful.’

‘Well I wouldn’t. So how am I going to get this baby? Will I sick it up one day?’

‘No. When it’s ready to be born it will come out there.’

‘I’ve got a kid growing inside my belly and it’s going to come out there?’

‘Yes.’

‘ARGHHHHHHHHH…’