Still Mumbling.

For some time now my life has been like one of those winters which drag on and on beyond their usual anticipated demise. Every time an issue gets resolved, another one or two or three come along to take its place. It’s maddening and dispiriting and sometimes I feel one small step from despair. But here’s the interesting thing.

In January I made nine blog posts, which is extremely low for me. That was because my mind was full of dark stuff blocking the desire to think and observe and throw the results out into the ether. But I told this to somebody, somebody whose opinion I respect, and she suggested I should continue making posts for my own sake and maybe even for the sake of a few people out there. And so I did; I made the effort and the result for February has been the highest number in any one month since October 2017 (which was before I learned I had cancer, incidentally.)

So has it done me any good? It’s hard to say. I still wake up every morning feeling anxious, I still go into a depression which eventually lifts just enough to be able to function after a fashion, and I still feel constantly scared of things yet to come which might leave me with a life hardly worth living. The long cold winter shows no sign of easing yet. But at least the practice of writing things down eats up some time and acts as a distraction, and I suppose it’s better to mumble in the wilderness than stay silent in an empty room. So maybe it has been a good thing, and it seems reasonable that I should attempt to continue in similar vein.

As for having any effect whatsoever on anybody who reads this blog, I really have no idea. I’m not even the sort of person to aspire to such a grandiose notion, except in a few isolated cases where some aspect of rightness or wrongness should be patently obvious. There are too many arrogant teachers out there already trying to force others to their way of thinking, and I want no part of such a process. I won’t take it and neither will I hand it out. And I am aware that some of those teachers are far more qualified than I shall ever be, but such is not entirely the point.

And so, in spite of my many known flaws, I expect I’ll continue for a while yet. Take it or leave it as you please. But thanks again to those who do read this blog. It does no harm to know that somebody out there is at least hearing the mumbles.