The Real Chinese Peril.

I’ve been so immersed in Chinese culture over the past few years that I feel I just have to go there. I won’t, of course; the water scares me.

Haven’t you noticed that Chinese water looks different than European water? It has an unfamiliar colour and texture about it, and I’ve heard it said that if you get wet in China, your toenails turn yellow and dissolve, fizzing and popping as they do so, while cormorants gather and wait patiently to eat what’s left of your toes while you lack the will to kick them away.

And then there are the fish. You can’t tell me that it’s mere coincidence that the goldfish grow so big. It’s all in the water; has to be. Look what happened to HMS Amethyst in 1950 in the Yangtze River. They only managed to escape by stealing quietly away at night while the river was asleep, keeping their navigation lights off so as not to wake it up. And what about those bridges you see everywhere? They’re more humpity than honest, functional European bridges, so you can’t avoid the question: Which came first, the bridge or the water? And how did they come to be that shape? It’s all rather sinister.

Here’s an example of what I mean. Look at the water; look at the humpity bridge; look at those people standing on it. Are they real people or something else entirely?