Nobody owes me anything. I don’t do things for rewards,
either pecuniary or in kind, even though it sometimes works out that way. I do
them because I want to do them or because they need doing.
I didn’t get to where I am today chasing money or crates of
scotch. I got here by chasing the Grail which so far has remained elusive. I
got here by chasing a reason to be here. I got here by stepping outside the
tram lines and looking back in, and then finding there was no way back because
the hum of Mother Culture was obliterating the more vital hum of Mother Life. I got here
because music and instinct took me close to the veil but there was nothing to
show me how to pull it apart. I got here by realising that having things in
common with a person isn’t the same as being on a wavelength with them, and that being friendly isn’t the same as being friends.
Am I happy? Occasionally. Do I have regrets? Not exactly, but I do have
plenty of guilt swilling around the bag hanging off my shoulder. Would I change anything if
I could go back and start over? No, because I am whatever I am, because it’s
impossible to second guess the determinist process without a computer a billion
times bigger than the biggest we’ve got, and because the road not travelled really
doesn’t exist.
So where am I? Feel free to tell me if you know, because I
don’t. And I think it reasonable to assume that I probably don’t need to.
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