Tuesday, 4 July 2017

Off the Top of My Late Night Head.

'You’re an absolute star,' I was told today. 'Now I owe you at least a crate of scotch.'

Nobody owes me anything. I don’t do things for rewards, either pecuniary or in kind, even though it sometimes works out that way. I do them because I want to do them or because they need doing.

I didn’t get to where I am today chasing money or crates of scotch. I got here by chasing the Grail which so far has remained elusive. I got here by chasing a reason to be here. I got here by stepping outside the tram lines and looking back in, and then finding there was no way back because the hum of Mother Culture was obliterating the more vital hum of Mother Life. I got here because music and instinct took me close to the veil but there was nothing to show me how to pull it apart. I got here by realising that having things in common with a person isn’t the same as being on a wavelength with them, and that being friendly isn’t the same as being friends.

Am I happy? Occasionally. Do I have regrets? Not exactly, but I do have plenty of guilt swilling around the bag hanging off my shoulder. Would I change anything if I could go back and start over? No, because I am whatever I am, because it’s impossible to second guess the determinist process without a computer a billion times bigger than the biggest we’ve got, and because the road not travelled really doesn’t exist.

So where am I? Feel free to tell me if you know, because I don’t. And I think it reasonable to assume that I probably don’t need to.

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