Last Words In Burslem.

I was just looking at the publicity poster for the film In Bruges, and I was remembering that scene towards the end when the Brendan Gleeson character is dying. Being ever the imaginative one, I put myself in the same situation, only instead of having my buddy by my side, I have my best girl.

‘Oh, JJ,’ she sobs. ‘What can I do?’

‘Nothin’, darlin’, nothin’. I wouldn’t expect you to kiss me, now, would I? I must look pretty revolting.’

‘Yeah, you do actually. Your face has turned all white.’

‘Shock reaction, I expect.’

‘And your eyes look funny.’

‘Well, I feel a bit woozy, ya know? And then there’s the pain.’

‘Does it hurt, then?’

‘Just a bit.’

‘I might have some paracetamol in my bag. I keep some for period pains. You know how bad they get.’

‘That’s OK, pet. You keep hold of them. Bit late now anyway.’

‘OK, thanks. Why’s your face all wet?’

‘Sweat.’

‘Are you hot?’

‘No. Cold.’

‘Really? Oh, well, I suppose…’

‘No, no, you keep your coat on. It’s a cold night and you’ll have to wear it after I’ve gone. No point in getting it all messed up, is there?’

‘No, s’ppose not. I know: I could kiss the top of your head. Mind you, your hair looks a bit greasy. Haven’t you washed it lately?’

‘Yeah, yeah; it’s just that hair reacts to the way you’re feeling. Like when you’re ill, you know? It’s bad like that.’

‘Oh, right. short silence. Haha. I’ve got it. What about down there? That’s always pale, and I bet it isn’t sweaty.’

‘No good, darlin’. I pissed meself.’

‘Yerck! How gross!’

‘I know. Sorry. It’s what happens when you get shot this bad.’

‘It doesn’t in the films.’

‘This isn’t a film.’

‘No.’

Another long silence.

‘I’m afraid I have to go now, darlin’. It’s time.’

‘Sob. Oh, but JJ, you can’t, you can’t. You’re the sweetest person I’ve ever known.’

‘You might have said that when I was still alive.’

‘You are still alive.’

‘Oh, yeah…’

‘But I can’t bear to lose you, JJ. I want to come with you.’

‘Do you?’

‘Yes. We could sit on a cloud together, and you could sing Mr Tambourine Man while I do my nails.’

‘Sounds good. There’s one bullet left in the gun.’

‘Oh… right… well… I would, JJ, you know that. But you know how hopeless I am with technology. All fingers and thumbs, that’s me.’

‘Yeah, right.’

Long pause, punctuated by rasping and gurgling sounds.

‘Oh, JJ! JJ! I’ve just had a thought. You won’t haunt me, will you?’

‘I might, but I won’t be any trouble.’

‘You won’t come into the bathroom when I’m going to the loo?’

‘No.’

‘Promise?’

‘Promise.’

‘And you won’t move any fridge magnets around to make words upside down? That would really creep me out.’

‘No.’

'Or get the dog to roll over and play dead while I'm watching Eastenders? You know what a fucking weird sense of humour you've got.'

'No,'

‘And if I get a new boyfriend, you won’t blow in his ear or anything, just when he’s about to…’

‘Oh, come on. What do you take me for?’

‘Sorry, JJ. I know you’re a gentleman.’

‘Was.’

‘What? JJ. JJ. JJ… Taxi!'

*  *  *

'Where the hell is Burslem?' you might ask. I'll tell you. Burslem is one of the six towns that were confederated to form the borough, and then the city, of Stoke on Trent. I chose it for two reasons:

1. It begins with the same letter as Bruges.

2. I was born there, so it seemed amusing to imagine taking my leave by the same door as I used for my entrance.