Joanna and the Warring Parts.

I had a visitation with a podiatrist today, free on the NHS of course. She told me that my feet woes have the same source as my knee woes.

(They sound like two sets of indigenous peoples, don’t they? “The Feetwoes and the Kneewoes had been at war for hundreds of years, until Chief Tow-Nale of the Feetwoe tribe fell in love with Princess Pat Ella of the Kneewoes. They got married, lived happily ever after, and nobody ever threw another carrot in anger.”)

But anyway, I’m now reliably informed by both a podiatrist and a physiotherapist that I was too active when I was younger, thereby putting certain parts under Intolerable Strain. It seems that if I hadn’t spent all those years playing rugby and cricket, and then wiled away further years tramping over mountains taking photographs, I would still be tripping the light fantastic with the teenagers. That’s if there were any teenagers who know what a light fantastic is, of course, which I very much doubt, but you know what I mean.

Her name was Joanna and she asked me not to sing to her, which I wasn’t going to do anyway. And we talked about Sherlock a lot. (I liked her, which is rare.) She also asked me whether I ever get cramp in my feet.

‘Only at the base of my toes.’

‘Base of your toes?’

‘Yes.’

‘Where?’

‘Along there.’

‘What a strange place to get cramp.’

‘So you don’t know what causes it, then?’

‘No. Must be something to do with the way you walk.’

Story of my life.

(I think I should point out, just in case there are any teenagers out there who are suffering inadequacy crises because they don't know what a light fantastic is, there's actually no such thing. It's as non-existent as mornings, standards, and the infallibility of parental guidance.)