The Fear that Drives Commitment.

I read the word ‘commitment-phobe’ somewhere the other day. I’m familiar with it, of course, because I’ve been called one myself often enough. And it’s largely true, although it did occur to me today that there’s one principle to which I have committed myself all my life. It goes like this:

I was never much influenced by my parents. Whatever ideals or modes of behaviour they told me to adhere to largely went ignored, either because I disagreed with them or because I’d already worked it out for myself. As a young child I was more influenced by certain passages in the Bible – like do unto others as you would have them do unto you, for example. And certain individuals occasionally said something which made a mark, like the white witch I knew in my early twenties who told me: never use magic to get what you want. Only ever use it to achieve what you believe to be right. But my greatest influence was Arthurian mythology with its emphasis on those cardinal virtues to which humans can aspire – courage, compassion, honesty, fair dealing, equal justice for all, protection of the weak, and the pursuit of truth.

And so the one guiding principle of my life, and the only one to which I have been consistently committed, is to strive to be a better person. But I’ve failed miserably on many occasions through giving in to anger, fear, laziness and self-interest. That troubles me because I’m an idealist, and so I have to keep on trying because that’s what commitment is.

And I’ve asked myself often why I bother to strive for ideals while others seem to sail happily through life being untroubled by, and often unaware of, their imperfections. Is it the possibility of a looming appraisal at the end of the road which drives me? I suppose it might be on a subconscious level, but I think it’s mostly just the fear of failure.