Seeking Democracy in May.

The burning question at the moment is who to vote for in the upcoming General Election. The constituency in which I’m registered is a safe Tory seat, you see – so safe that a broom handle would get elected if you put a blue necktie on it and lifted it high enough to look down its nose on anybody who doesn’t drive at least an Audi A6 (preferably black.) Voting any way but Tory is, therefore, pointless. That’s how democracy works with a first-past-the-post system.

So what do I do to keep this clueless, toffee-nosed bunch of psychopaths from continuing to run my country? (It might have become obvious by now that I’m not the biggest fan of Tory ideology.) If I went for the unthinkable and voted Tory with the rest, I would have to face the prospect of doing a Thomas Cranmer by shoving my right hand in the flames of the execution pyre when my conscience got the better of me. ‘This hand that shamefully marked a cross next to the name of Patrick McLoughlin shall be the first to burn!’ Don’t fancy that. It seems the only possible chance of throwing the Tories out is to vote UKIP, and that isn’t really practicable. I’d be far too convulsed with a fit of the giggles to have any chance of holding a pencil straight.

What I would really like to do is vote for the Scottish National Party. There’s some consternation in political circles at the moment (almost exclusively in Tory ranks) that the SNP might hold the balance of power in the event of a hung parliament, since they’re expected to more or less sweep the board in Scottish constituencies. Tories don’t like the SNP because Scots generally don’t like the Tories and hardly ever vote for them. (This is a historical phenomenon deriving from the not unreasonable assertion that Tory ideology was responsible for the Highland Clearance, and we all know how nasty that was. If there’s one thing the Tories are good at, it’s being nasty.)

The SNP said today that ‘The English needn’t fear us.’ I don’t fear them. Scottish socio-political principles always struck me as being a lot more people-focussed and civilised than English ones, so if they get to hold the balance of power I’ll be the last to complain. Unfortunately, I don’t have that option since SNP candidates only stand in Scottish constituencies.

So what do I do? Exercise my democratic right to abstain, I suppose. It’s about the only way to make my opinion count for something.