Friday, 18 July 2014

Five Questions.

I’m trying to lighten up here, you understand. Recent posts have been depressingly serious, so I thought I’d do another list. This one is ‘Five Questions I’ve Been Frequently Asked.’

Q. Why didn’t you continue your education beyond sixteen?
A. Because when I was fifteen my stepfather asked me what I was going to do when I left school. I said I was going to go to another school and take A-levels, and then go to university and become a geologist. His face turned a whiter shade of pale and he began to shake. ‘I’m not paying good money to keep you sitting on your fat arse in a classroom,’ he said. ‘You’ll go out and work for a living like everybody else.’ Did I ever mention he had strong sociopathic tendencies? He did.

Q. Why aren’t you married?
A. I’m not the type. I don’t compromise easily and I have to keep moving on. Besides, what woman is going to happily accept that she's married about seventeen different personas and she doesn't get to choose which one comes next?

Q. Why did you leave the navy?
A. The level of control was intolerable. It was driving me to distraction and beyond.

Q. Why are you such a loner?
A. It saves on Christmas presents.

Q. Why do you drink so much late at night?
A. Sleep comes easier if you remove the suit of armour first.

And there’s a bonus ball:

Q. Have you lived in these parts all your life?
A. Not yet. (I stole that one from Lee Evans. Couldn’t leave it out, but I dislike the number 6.)

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