I walked around Uttoxeter today, watching all the people and thinking ‘Aren’t humans a funny lot?’ I was looking for a fellow alien, but I didn’t see any. I did, however, have an unusually posh lunch by my standards: not a bag of chips this time, but a cheese and onion sandwich with grated carrot and mayonnaise. And a cake. And several people smiled at me unaccountably, which aroused my suspicions well and proper.
I gather it’s considered quite common for mad people to think they’re aliens. Well, all I can say on the matter is: We aliens aren’t as mad as you think we are.
My current mood resembles a Mexican jumping bean, which makes me wonder whether aliens are allergic to carrot. I have the promise of an antidote, though – a ‘craft beer’ made by somebody called Mr Robinson. It only cost 99p. I might report on it later.