On Mood and Moving On.

I’m very conscious of the fact that my choice of post topics and the tone in which they’re couched depends so much on my mood. One of my weaknesses has always been that my state of mind exercises a great deal of influence over my choice of activities.

I had several lined up earlier. One was about the nature of personal presence and the fact that I have always been highly sensitized to it in my dealings with people. That one was serious. Another was about the fact that today I kept seeing young women driving white Minis and wondered whether the universe was sending me a message. That one wasn’t. Another was about Trump’s latest show of juvenile petulance and the harm such outbursts are doing to America’s international reputation. That one was dismissive. There were more, but none of them got made because the mood wasn’t right.

That’s because I’ve felt ill for much of today. A number of the symptoms I had during the week or so after the operation have returned – the periods of mild nausea, the lack of appetite, the feeling of tightness in the abdomen, the uncommon lack of strength and energy, the general malaise, the unpleasant metallic taste in the mouth which pollutes the flavour of everything I eat… Healthwise I seem to be experiencing a recession.

I wonder whether it’s because I instinctively tried to catch something I dropped a couple of days ago and felt a sudden, sharp tightening in the affected area. I wonder whether I’m not healing as well or quickly as I should be. I wonder whether there’s something else wrong which is so far un-diagnosed. Or maybe it’s all just a normal step along the road. How can I know when there’s nobody here to ask? Whatever the answer, it didn’t do much for my mood. And no doubt time, as usual, will reveal all.

And what does it matter if I make no posts? My blog is but a sounding board; it's a mirror I hold up in order to understand myself better. I have this odd notion, you see, that understanding oneself and one’s place in the scheme of things might be useful when the great divide is crossed. And who can say how urgent the prosecution of such an endeavour should be?