I had several lined up earlier. One was about the nature of
personal presence and the fact that I have always been highly sensitized to it in my dealings with people.
That one was serious. Another was about the fact that today I kept seeing young
women driving white Minis and wondered whether the universe was sending me a
message. That one wasn’t. Another was about Trump’s latest show of juvenile
petulance and the harm such outbursts are doing to America’s international reputation.
That one was dismissive. There were more, but none of them got made because the
mood wasn’t right.
That’s because I’ve felt ill for much of today. A number of the
symptoms I had during the week or so after the operation have returned – the periods
of mild nausea, the lack of appetite, the feeling of tightness in the abdomen, the
uncommon lack of strength and energy, the general malaise, the unpleasant
metallic taste in the mouth which pollutes the flavour of everything I eat…
Healthwise I seem to be experiencing a recession.
I wonder whether it’s because I instinctively tried to catch
something I dropped a couple of days ago and felt a sudden, sharp tightening in
the affected area. I wonder whether I’m not healing as well or quickly as I
should be. I wonder whether there’s something else wrong which is so far
un-diagnosed. Or maybe it’s all just a normal step along the road. How can I
know when there’s nobody here to ask? Whatever the answer, it didn’t do much
for my mood. And no doubt time, as usual, will reveal all.
And what does it matter if I make no posts? My blog is but a
sounding board; it's a mirror I hold up in order to understand myself better. I have this odd
notion, you see, that understanding oneself and one’s place in the scheme of
things might be useful when the great divide is crossed. And who can say how
urgent the prosecution of such an endeavour should be?
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