3. A plastic plant with plastic leaves and plastic flowers
in a plastic pot. The plastic flowers have little fairy lights in them – five
in all – which have to be seen to appreciate the exquisite beauty of the
overall design (allegedly.) They call it the Oriental Orchid Light, and I’m assured that it will ‘bring the joy
of the Far East’ into my home. Well, I can
think of a better way to do that (although I’m sure it would cost me rather more
than a mere £12.99, one way or another.)
2. A Multi-Function
Action-Spy Watch. I’m sure I’m just the sort of person the designers had in
mind, since it’s said to be suitable for an action man who demands the
ultimate. What gives it this distinction is the fact that it features ‘all
those fantastic functions: compass, thermometer and dual time zones.’ Imagine
what a change this could bring to my life. I could stride through Ashbourne
with renewed confidence, declaring ‘the temperature is 7° Celsius, I’m walking
north by north west, and it’s currently 10am in upstate New York.’ The thought of being an action
man who’s acquired the ultimate was tempting, but I feared my arm might not cope with the weight.
1. I saved the best. Noiseless
Incontinence Briefs. Now, I do realise that there’s nothing funny about
incontinence or the means of containing it. What attracted my attention was the
word ‘noiseless.’ Does this mean that briefs of lesser quality leave one prey
to the undivided attention of children in supermarkets who tug their mother’s
skirts and ask ‘Mummy, why is that man making a funny noise?’ Is this what the
future holds? Instead of spending what little money I have on Useless Things,
should I instead buy a one-way ticket to Barrow, Alaska, and find an
uninhabited shack at the north end of town in which to live out my days?
(The plastic monkey which jumps and rolls around going OO! OO! ah ah ah [quote, unquote] when you take its banana away can have
an honourable mention.)
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