Friday, 20 February 2015

Craving Useless Things.

I’ve been amusing myself again with the Catalogue of Useless Things that comes stapled inside the TV listings magazine. This week’s edition boasts an Everything Half Price offer, which is pretty hard to resist if it means you might get something useless for half the price it would normally cost. I picked out three which most tempted me:

3. A plastic plant with plastic leaves and plastic flowers in a plastic pot. The plastic flowers have little fairy lights in them – five in all – which have to be seen to appreciate the exquisite beauty of the overall design (allegedly.) They call it the Oriental Orchid Light, and I’m assured that it will ‘bring the joy of the Far East’ into my home. Well, I can think of a better way to do that (although I’m sure it would cost me rather more than a mere £12.99, one way or another.)

2. A Multi-Function Action-Spy Watch. I’m sure I’m just the sort of person the designers had in mind, since it’s said to be suitable for an action man who demands the ultimate. What gives it this distinction is the fact that it features ‘all those fantastic functions: compass, thermometer and dual time zones.’ Imagine what a change this could bring to my life. I could stride through Ashbourne with renewed confidence, declaring ‘the temperature is 7° Celsius, I’m walking north by north west, and it’s currently 10am in upstate New York.’ The thought of being an action man who’s acquired the ultimate was tempting, but I feared my arm might not cope with the weight.

1. I saved the best. Noiseless Incontinence Briefs. Now, I do realise that there’s nothing funny about incontinence or the means of containing it. What attracted my attention was the word ‘noiseless.’ Does this mean that briefs of lesser quality leave one prey to the undivided attention of children in supermarkets who tug their mother’s skirts and ask ‘Mummy, why is that man making a funny noise?’ Is this what the future holds? Instead of spending what little money I have on Useless Things, should I instead buy a one-way ticket to Barrow, Alaska, and find an uninhabited shack at the north end of town in which to live out my days?

(The plastic monkey which jumps and rolls around going OO! OO! ah ah ah [quote, unquote] when you take its banana away can have an honourable mention.)

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