The Pre-Op Dilemma.

Tomorrow I go for my pre-op in preparation for the big day next Monday. They’ll ask me lots of questions as they always do, and many of them will be the same as they’ve asked several times in several sorts of circumstance already this year. I need some good answers for the more frequent ones, but humour doesn’t come easily in an atmosphere drenched in the energy of anxiety and the subtle fug of man-made chemicals. The compulsion to scream comes easily and so does the desire to run away, but both inclinations have to be stifled and the consequent stress leaves humour languishing in a distant corner with its thumb in its mouth. The only one I’ve managed so far is:

Do you have any allergies?

‘Politicians, captains of industry, and celebrities generally.’

So far nobody has laughed, but maybe that’s because time is at a premium in NHS institutions and they need to get on with the next question. Or maybe it’s because it isn’t funny. Maybe I need to be a little more adventurous when the questions become more specific:

Are you allergic to latex?

‘Only if it’s covered in Johnson’s Baby Oil.’

It’s a bit enigmatic, isn’t it? Arcane even. I suppose it would give some indication of whether the questioner is sexually adventurous or not, but why would I want to know? Besides, it might give the impression that I’m gay. Is that a risk worth taking? If the questioner is a female nurse, which is most likely, I suppose I could always follow it up with a provocative comment. But then I’d be accused of sexual harassment and get into trouble. I doubt they would consider a plea of self-defence to be admissible in such circumstances. Maybe I should keep the enigmatic bit and drop the provocative comment. Who knows, I might learn something.

But the real problem of tomorrow is that I will have to get up early in order to do something I don’t want to do, and that’s the kind of thing which depresses me.

(Incidentally, I’ve no idea why they ask do you have any allergies? on page one, and then further ask are you allergic to latex? on page three. Maybe I should query it. Who knows, I might learn something.)