Lacking Sympathy.

My friend the llama came sauntering up the garden path today while I was admiring the blossom on the plumb tree.

‘Where have you been?’ he asked.

‘Where have I been?’ I queried.

‘Yes. Where have you been? I made the effort to visit you some weeks ago and my reward - if you'll excuse the irony in the expression - was to find you conspicuous by your absence. So where have you been?’

‘Oh, right. That must have been when I was in hospital.’

‘In hospital?’

‘Yes.’

‘In hospital... mmm... Why do humans always have to be so vague in their manner of communication? Saying “I was in hospital” is like saying “I was in a shop.” To what end were you in hospital? Were you painting the walls? Checking the beds for metal fatigue? Peddling your autobiography? Or could it have been something else entirely?’

‘I was having an operation.’

‘I see. You were having an operation. Would you care to expand? What, precisely, was the purpose of this operation?’

‘I was having a kidney removed.’

‘Oh, really? Why? Had you grown to dislike it?’

‘Of course I hadn't. It was diseased.’

‘Ah, now I’m getting the picture. You were having a diseased kidney removed. The muddy water of worthless generality is clearing at last. Are you fully recovered now?’

‘Hardly. It’s going to be a long process.’

‘How long?’

‘They said six to twelve months.’

‘Oh my word, that is a long process. That being the case I see little point in continuing this conversation. I don’t have the time. Goodbye.’

‘Aren’t you going to wish me well?’

‘Would it make a difference?’

‘Well, no, I don’t suppose so.’

‘In which case I see no point whatsoever in so doing. What became of your errant kidney, by the way?’

‘I’ve no idea. They don’t tell you that.’

‘See what I mean? Vague as ever. Goodbye.’

And then he walked sedately down the lane in the direction of the pub, grabbing a bunch of cow parsley leaves on the way and munching them with a strange humming sound. I didn’t detect any actual tune.