I dislike the attentions of doctors and I dislike having to
go to hospitals for tests, procedures and treatment. It makes me feel like a
fish with a hook in its mouth, swimming free for a while but being reeled in
every so often and left gasping for air in an alien environment. In short, I feel tethered, and I don’t like that at all. I
don’t want clinical persons hanging around me; I don’t generally feel the need to be cared for and
I don’t want to be the centre of attention. What I want is to have the freedom
and independence to do my own thing in my own way and my own time. I want to be
a fully functioning member of the species and never be at anybody’s beck and
call. It’s what worries me so much about the prospect of growing old.
But suppose I had Munchausen’s Syndrome (I believe they call
it Factitious Disorder now.) I would feel quite the opposite way, wouldn’t I? I
would want as much attendance by doctors as I could get, and it would probably
be caused by the driving need to be cared for and be the centre of attention.
So does that mean I have my own condition which is the very
opposite of Munchausen’s, or is it simply another example of my favourite
maxim: perception is the whole of the
life experience?
I don’t know, but what troubles me more is my third
question: suppose there isn’t anything I particularly want to do? Where do I go
from there?
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