You see, after several years of procrastination occasioned by my natural reluctance to part with more than about £5, I finally bought a new winter coat today. They’d originally been on sale at £249.99 but had been reduced in a late season clearance to £149.99, and then further reduced to £124.99. Half price; not bad. But still I hesitated.
And then today I decided: enough was enough. I went in and tried one on. I examined it from every angle, being particularly pleased that the furry bit around the hood was detachable (because who in his right mind would go out in the rain with a furry bit around the hood? You’d feel like an Old English Sheep Dog being forced into a constitutional but wholly unwelcome walk in inclement weather by a human without a heart.) I took it to the counter and placed a bagful of questions before the young woman assistant, eventually committing myself to making one of life’s major purchases. The young woman seemed pleased, and then made the sweetest of sweet statements:
‘You’ll be pleased to know that today they’ve been reduced even further to £99.99.’
Well, are there many phrases better calculated to lighten the mind and massage the spirit than ‘… reduced even further’? I think not. I was content.
To celebrate my good fortune and continue my new-found predilection for niceness to young women, I went into the coffee shop and wished all the women assistants a Happy Valentines Day, following it with ‘I have no one else to say it to so I thought I might as well say it to you lot.’ Just in case they thought I meant it.