On Living and Limbo.

I really could do with re-kindling my belief in tomorrow. Without a belief in tomorrow I am as the tethered goat awaiting the entrance of the tiger, mostly because my perception of life is based more on my prospects than it is on my present. (That’s why my favourite day of the Christmas season when I was a kid was Christmas Eve. Christmas Day was almost boring by comparison.) Give me good prospects and I’m cheerful; give me bad ones and I’m glum.

My current present adds another layer to the equation. Experts are hinting cautiously that my immediate prospects might be highly unpleasant or that I might have no prospects at all, and the effect of the latter is to put my perception of life effectively on hold. It’s in limbo. What, for example, would be the point of buying that stylish coat which a charity shop is selling for a mere £10 if I have no future in which to enjoy it? (I think I should be learning a lesson in ego management here.) And what would be the point of buying seed potatoes if I might not be here to harvest and eat them? See what I mean? Limbo. Stasis. Call it what you like. And what does this say about the writing of blog posts when I have only the past and present to rely on, and I’m not overly interested in either at the moment?

But persist I should. Being in limbo is not exactly giving up, but it’s very nearly the next best thing and probably best avoided where possible. (But do you know, one of the clichés which most rile me is when people with problems say ‘You’ve got to stay positive.’ Why have you got to stay positive? Why not just be yourself and act accordingly? I’m digressing here to fill up another line or two.)

OK, so let’s stick with the present and mention today’s major disaster. Costa Coffee had no coffee. Well, they did, but the machine which turns brown dust into a beverage of consummate delight had broken down. ‘I can serve you tea or cold drinks,’ said the woman apologetically. ‘Sorry.’

Does the universe not know that sipping Americano with cream while watching the world stroll by on a Wednesday afternoon is one of the few delights it provides to give me something approximating to a sense of contentment? I could have declined, of course. I could have gone to the other coffee shop on the opposite side of the road, but I didn’t. I remained faithful, and my fidelity was rewarded when the world strolling past the window included none other than she-who-should-not-be-mentioned-by-name (but who was with her dear mama, which might provide sufficient of a clue.) I sit by that window every Wednesday, but this was the first time I’d ever seen her stroll past. I heard the universe whisper in my ear:

There you go, JJ. I know my workings are a little onerous to you at the moment, but as a reward for your persistence and fidelity I hereby proffer an adrenalin rush to cheer you up a bit. There is more to enjoy in life than espresso coffee and cream, you know.

And my posts are getting closer to that little landmark I mentioned. I might yet make the tape.