Wednesday, 26 February 2014


Do you know what a man told me today? He told me that as you get older you loose the springy tissue on the undersides of your feet. In the end, you are –as he put it – ‘effectively standing on bone.’

It’s a nice image, isn’t it? You’re turning into something Tim Burton might make a film about. In fact, something he did make a film about. So let’s make a list of the things you lose as you get older:

Gum tissue (hence the expression ‘long in the tooth.’)
20-20 vision
Hearing acuity
Muscle strength
Elasticity in things that are supposed to be elastic if they’re to be of much use
The means of having a spring in your step

They don’t tell you this before you come here, do they? You never see such a list appended to New Baby cards under the heading:

This is what you have to look forward to.

‘Excuse me, God. If this is what you lose when you get older, is there anything you gain by way of compensation?’




‘Does it help you achieve anything?’



‘It helps you to be more philosophical about what you’re losing.’

‘Oh, right. Anything else?’


‘Does that help you achieve anything?’

‘Erm… Not really.’

‘Not much of a list so far, is it? Anything else?’

I know! I’ve got one!’

‘Make it good.’

‘It is.’

‘OK, I’m listening.’

‘Attractive young women get closer to you.’




‘Because they know that all they have to do is walk away quickly and you won’t be able to catch them. It’s a bit like a kitten bopping a Rottweiler on the nose through a small gap in a high fence.’

‘You’re having me on, aren’t you?’


‘Seriously, though: is there anything of substance you gain as you get older?’

‘Visceral fat?’

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