Negative Musings on the End of June.

I always feel a little sad when we reach the end of June. I’ve often said that my two favourite months of the year are May and June because they’re so replete with the burgeoning energy of natural development. They’re also full of optimism because high summer is still in the future. When July begins we’ve now arrived at high summer, and July is often the warmest and most summery month of the year. But July is the plateau and the beginning, albeit imperceptively, of the decline back to the cold, dark days of winter. It reminds me of that phenomenon I used to feel as a child when I found Christmas Eve the most magical day of the Christmas season, and Christmas Day an anticlimax.

I suppose this is just another example of one of my principle faults – seeing everything in terms of its potential rather than its present qualities. I think I must be the very embodiment of the donkey and its carrot.

And this year’s end of June hasn’t been the best of them. It’s been chilly, breezy, and very dull today, and both my body and mental state are insanely sensitive to climatic conditions these days. And so it’s been a depressing and pessimistic day with uncomfortable physical side effects, and I’ve been feeling a sensation to which I’m almost a complete stranger: I’ve been feeling lonely. Loneliness is a sensation to which natural loners are unaccustomed because such would be irrational, so where today’s feeling came from I don’t know.

Actually, I think I might know. I suspect it’s because the tyranny of advancing years eventually leads to pernicious physical and mental decline, and then a sense begins to take hold that you’re becoming uglier, less attractive, less desirable, and therefore less entitled to have close associates. And that leads to the suspicion that the faculty of lone-ness is being forced upon you rather than being a matter of choice. At least, that’s how it is for me. Whether it’s the same for other people I have no way of knowing.

I think I’d better shut up now. I might mention that the next set of CT scans are scheduled for Monday, but musings on that fact are a subject for another day.