Trapped.

I’ve mentioned the TV series His Dark Materials a few times on this blog recently, and you might wonder why a mere fantasy TV programme should be important to me. I’ll tell you why: it’s because that sort of thing is becoming more real to me than the so-called real world outside my window. It comes with being a recluse, but there’s also another reason.

I’m currently being pestered by the agents and their contractors. Do this, do that, call us (at my expense) to arrange an appointment to do such and such. And their letter includes – in text coloured bright red so that it looks more impressive – a statement that this is most important for the sake of my health and safety. It’s nothing of the sort; there is no health and safety issue involved. I’ve had enough of being pestered by my real health issues over the past two years, and I don’t take kindly to being fraudulently pestered further over matters which are unimportant. It insults my mental faculty and it’s irritatingly patronising.

Occasionally I consider leaving all this behind and becoming homeless, but I’m intolerant of cold and I do so like to eat regularly. I’ve considered moving to a warmer country armed with a tent and a camp bed, but I would inevitably be arrested and repatriated. So what then? And when I try to explain this sense of alienation to people – which I rarely do because there’s rarely any point – they think I’m mad. I’m not mad, just cursed with an IQ (or so they tell me) only one less than Stephen Hawking. It doesn’t count for much in the general scheme of things and it’s nothing to be proud of, but it does mean that I’m capable of seeing through the pointless restrictions and absurdities which are increasingly evident in today’s so-called developed society.

And all this adds to the stress levels. It increases the intensity of anxiety and the inner constriction of depression. So while I’m still able to cope with the things I’m expected to cope with, it’s becoming ever more difficult to tolerate the kind of mindless nonsense which most people don’t appear to notice. At times it leaves me teetering on the edge of being unable to function because all I want is simply to be left alone.

I expect I’ll lighten up later, and the sun just came out after 2½ days of rain and relative darkness. Small mercies are most welcome.