Considering the Alternative.

I really don’t understand why people are falling over each other to panic-buy toilet rolls during the current situation. They’re missing a simple trick here which could save them an awful lot of money, not to mention the pejorative glances they might receive from the supermarket cashier which can mean either ‘what a plonker you are’ or ‘what on earth do you eat in your house?’ depending on the IQ of the cashier.

One of the suggested origins of the pejorative term ‘toe rag’ or ‘tow rag’, meaning a disreputable person, is that it refers to a practice used in old sailing vessels at a time when toilet rolls were considered surplus to requirements (assuming they’d even been invented by then.) Apparently, a piece of rag was used to perform the required function, and then it would be towed behind the ship where it would be cleaned by the passage of water. So all these panic-buyers need to do is purloin one of the kids’ old tee shirts, apply it to alternative use, then hang it on the washing line when it rains. Heaven knows we’ve been having enough rain over the past few months, and if it has to fall we might as well put it to good use.

As it is, I’m wondering when the black market will get into full swing. Maybe a time is coming when you’ll have to knock on the door of 14 Sackville Terrace after dark, wait for the door to be opened by no more than an inch, and then a gravelly voice will ask ‘what d’you want.’

‘I’ve come to look at the Hornby OO guage train set you’re selling.’

‘OK, come in. There you go. One toilet roll. Ten quid.’

‘Ten pounds for a bloody toilet roll?!!! That’s outrageous.’

‘Well, they’re like gold dust these days, mate. I assume you’re not interested in a second hand one for five quid? You don’t look the type.’

‘Certainly not.’

‘No, they're a bit whiffy. Tell you what then, I can do you five sheets of unused stuff for 50p if you like. Take it or leave it.’