Aside
I’ve suffered a
propensity for anxiety all my life. I’m sure it isn’t the psychological
condition known as General Anxiety Disorder because my anxiety usually needs a
trigger to set it off. I have had a few bouts of GAD over the past few years,
but only rarely. It’s just that I’ve always had the sort of mind which is
constantly looking forward, and when prospects look grim I get anxious, and
when I get anxious I get very anxious because I feel things deeply. Is that so
unusual? I’ve no idea, but what I have found is that the only thing which
alleviates anxiety is to allow myself to descend into depression. Anxiety is a
hot emotion, you see, whereas depression is cold, so what better way to treat a
fever than to sink into cold water? That’s the rationale and it works, even
though it’s only replacing one unpleasant frame of mind with another. I find
that depression is the lesser of the two evils. But to continue…
One of the pressures eased today, only temporarily but at
least it turned down the heat a bit. So why don’t I make a little post by way
of celebration? OK.
* * *
While I was in Sainsbury’s today I found myself approaching
the end of an aisle where another aisle crossed at right angles. Walking
towards the same junction from my right was an attractive young woman, and
since we were on a collision course I naturally halted and deferred to her
right of way. ‘After you,’ I said.
Aside
‘Naturally?’ you might
ask, ‘why naturally?’ Well, we English males are conditioned from birth to
defer to the female in matters of right of way, or at least those of my generation were.
We hold doors open for them, too. And if I were seated on a crowded train or
bus I would feel strongly inclined to give up my seat to a woman just because
it seems the right thing to do. Only I don’t these days, of course, because women
these days don’t like it (pregnant and elderly women excepted.) ‘Why are you
giving up your seat for me?’ they ask through gritted teeth. ‘Do you think me weak
and feeble because I’m a woman? That’s sexist.’ And so it is; I can’t deny that
it is; I bear the fact in mind every time I feel the old compulsion coming on.
But to continue…
The young woman stopped at the same time I did. ‘After you,’
she said. A state of impasse was duly achieved and we looked at each other
for several long seconds, during which time it occurred to me that, given my
status as what is euphemistically called a ‘senior’, her inclination to insist
on me having right of way was probably influenced by the fact. Isn’t that
ageist? I think it probably is.
Aside
How I wish she’d said
‘After you. Age before beauty’ so I could have replied ‘No, after you. Pearls
before swine.’ (Thank you so much for that line, Dorothy. My admiration for it
has never waned, nor shall it.) But she didn’t. Life was low on opportunity
today. But to continue…
Eventually she blinked first and walked past me, and so
it appears the day was mine on this occasion. I followed at a respectful
distance so as to maintain at least the regulation social distancing imperative
which has become so ingrained now that I wonder whether we will ever talk to
somebody face to face in a normal voice again.
But then I kept encountering her all the way around the
store, and every time I did she stared at me. I assumed she was consumed with
the desire to re-light the fires of conflict and gain sweet revenge (because
the other rational alternative – that she was thinking ‘how can somebody as
young and attractive as me find a man as old and repulsive as him compelling enough to want to
fall into his arms on the pretence of a maidenly swoon – isn’t very likely, is
it?) I even got directed to the same checkout as her. (One is directed to
checkouts in Sainsbury’s these days, in some cases by assistants old enough to
remember the days when policemen were required to direct traffic with hand
signals at busy junctions. I expect the memory comes in useful.) And so she had another opportunity to stare at me,
which she accepted, albeit in silence. And I never saw her again.
* * *
And that’s about all I have to say by way of a blog post.
And do bear in mind that the pressures will return and weigh heavy again before
long, and then I expect another hiatus will ensue. Please consider checking
every so often. One day it will all be over, one way or another.
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