The Dream and the Epiphany.

It won’t have gone unnoticed that I haven’t been at my best recently. It came to a head last night with a disturbing dream that seemed to go on and on. I’ve forgotten most of the detail now, but the three elements I remember were:

1) I was walking through Ashbourne, my local town, and noticed that changes were taking place. I didn’t know what was going on but sensed that it had something to do with setting up art exhibition spaces. And then I saw that the theatre where I used to work had been relocated inside one of the town buildings, and I could see through an open door that somebody was hanging an art exhibition (a job I used to do there.) I made to go inside, but was stopped by a policeman who told me I would have to pay to get in. I had no money on me and felt disturbed by the fact that I was now being excluded from a place where I’ve always felt at home and which I’ve always entered free. I walked away.

2) The scene changed to the High Street where I saw that exhibitions were being set up all over the place, and somehow I knew that all the artists were women. And then I saw those women. They were all young and attractive, and they were all skulking in shadowy corners watching me. I felt an aura of malice coming from every one of them; I sensed that they wanted to attack and maybe even kill me. And so I felt both excluded and threatened that time, and walked away again.

3) As I was walking out of the town centre, I realised that I was about to be picked up and taken somewhere to have body parts removed. Whether I knew what those parts were, I don’t remember; but I do remember being aware that some unidentified power was going to remove things that were vital to a normal existence. At that point I woke up feeling a little fractured.

I pushed the dream away for the rest of the morning, but it came back strongly when I was working in my greenhouse in the afternoon. A light bulb flickered into life. I suddenly understood an aspect of my attitude to women that I’d never realised before. And then came the real epiphany. Ever since I was nineteen I’ve been aware of one great weakness, one very soft Achilles’ heel that has always dogged my relationships with lovers. It’s complex and confusing because it manifests itself with different faces, and I’ve spent the whole of my adult life trying to get to the root of it. Now, at last, I think I’ve found that root.

The new understanding isn’t likely to remove the problem in this life; it’s too deep-seated for that, and it probably doesn’t matter anyway since I’m unlikely to have any more lovers. But it’s good to think that I can go to the Between armed with the first stage in the curative process, so that I can get rid of this damn problem before I have to come back here again.

Since realising that, other speculations have started to take shape as credible, maybe even likely, possibilities. If I’m right it would explain some of the curious coincidences and connections that have been going on lately.I think there might be some karmic balancing going on here.

But I think I’ve said enough. Make of it what you want.