Ten Reasons to Hate Weddings.

1) You have to get up indecently early so as to look ‘well turned out.’

 

2) You have to suffer the sight of the groom’s entourage wearing clothes they don’t look comfortable in, and which can only be described as ‘Jane Austen meets A Thrift Store on Wall Street.’ Any amusement you might have initially managed to invoke at such wanton incongruity soon wears off.

 

3) You further have to suffer the sight of women wearing the sort of hats, dresses and hairstyles that, far from making them look attractive as they apparently believe, actually make them look like something from a third rate freak show. And you can’t even summon any initial amusement at that one, because the spectacle of such a hideous assault on nature is simply too disturbing.

 

4) If it’s a church wedding, you have to listen to ministers spouting the sort of distinctly dubious dogma that defies the ability to suspend disbelief. Walt Disney really has nothing on those guys.

 

5) At the reception, you have to sit in a room listening to people who are not practiced in the art of articulation, and don’t even profess to be, making speeches that are at best tedious, while the assembled multitude dutifully laughs at statements that are about as funny as an ageing dog with flatulence.

 

6) When that torture is mercifully over you have to take your place at a table with a bunch of perfect strangers who feel it their obligation to make forced conversation, while surly, and presumably underpaid, serving staff ply you with food that is not of your choice and rarely better than bland.

 

7) There follows a period of extreme boredom while waiting for the evening ‘festivities’ to begin. By this point, your very essence is boiling with the need to howl a primal scream and then either go home to regain your sanity or be taken off to an institution in a green van.

 

8) Having screwed your courage to the sticking place and avoided succumbing to the finer instincts outlined above, you make your way with a deepening sense of dread to where the aforesaid ‘festivities’ will subject you to further abuse. This usually takes the form of a style of music chosen by the bride and groom, and is aimed at pleasing a section of the populace that might as well have been flown in from Betelgeuse for all the musical taste you have in common with them.

 

9) If you’re lucky enough to locate somebody with whom you can have an acceptable conversation and salvage at least some scrap of value from this essentially torturous and pointless exercise, you can’t do so because the ‘music’ won’t allow it. Instead, you’re forced to concentrate on avoiding a catastrophic personal implosion, courtesy of the extreme vibrational assault on your feet and eardrums.

 

10) You’ve developed serious suspicions regarding the reasons why most people feel the need to get married in the first place, and this makes the nightmare that was the day even more mystifying.

Maybe I’ve just been to the wrong sort of weddings.