The good news for the men: Did you know that all the most
beautiful women in the world are genetically programmed to seek out and sleep
with the man who buys the most expensive aftershave? True, apparently. Don’t
worry that every aftershave is just another bottle of coloured water with
different chemicals stirred in. As long as the price tag’s right, they’ll know…
The good news for the women: You will become irresistible to
every hunk in the universe as long as your hair dryer comes out of a box which
has the magic words ‘Britney’ and ‘Spears’ printed on it. I don’t know what the
words mean, and I don’t know how the magic works, but we are reliably assured
that it does. I suppose it’s just another miracle like all the rest.
The good news for the suburban mum (and I expect it works
for moms, too.) One of the leading supermarket chains is offering the ultimate
in miracle meals for the magical Christmas Dinner. This gift from the gods will:
a. Instil in you a dizzying sense of achievement.
b. Ensure that your husband remains (or becomes) a model of
fidelity for life.
c. Programme your children to be veritable Rocks of Ages when
you get to an age where you need to be prevented from using the cat as a
lavatory brush.
The very appearance of this royal repast is evidence enough of its inestimable value. It's a slab of some indeterminate pink stuff which looks for all the world
like mechanically recovered meat, snugly encased in a shiny brown, seemingly
plastic, coating. It’s so shiny, in fact, that the faces of your adoring family
will be reflected therein to lighten your path through the dark days of winter
and beyond. Enjoy and give thanks.
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