Wednesday, 17 December 2014

Tidings of Great Joy...

…from the Christmas TV ads. I could have chosen any number of them, almost all in fact, but I’ll stick with just three in the hope of avoiding an outbreak of fainting and self-flagellation.

The good news for the men: Did you know that all the most beautiful women in the world are genetically programmed to seek out and sleep with the man who buys the most expensive aftershave? True, apparently. Don’t worry that every aftershave is just another bottle of coloured water with different chemicals stirred in. As long as the price tag’s right, they’ll know…

The good news for the women: You will become irresistible to every hunk in the universe as long as your hair dryer comes out of a box which has the magic words ‘Britney’ and ‘Spears’ printed on it. I don’t know what the words mean, and I don’t know how the magic works, but we are reliably assured that it does. I suppose it’s just another miracle like all the rest.

The good news for the suburban mum (and I expect it works for moms, too.) One of the leading supermarket chains is offering the ultimate in miracle meals for the magical Christmas Dinner. This gift from the gods will:

a. Instil in you a dizzying sense of achievement.

b. Ensure that your husband remains (or becomes) a model of fidelity for life.

c. Programme your children to be veritable Rocks of Ages when you get to an age where you need to be prevented from using the cat as a lavatory brush.

The very appearance of this royal repast is evidence enough of its inestimable value. It's a slab of some indeterminate pink stuff which looks for all the world like mechanically recovered meat, snugly encased in a shiny brown, seemingly plastic, coating. It’s so shiny, in fact, that the faces of your adoring family will be reflected therein to lighten your path through the dark days of winter and beyond. Enjoy and give thanks.

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