I was just preparing a slice of buttered toast and jam (which alternates with orange marmalade as each tedious day passes) as I generally do at this time of night, when I was suddenly struck by a momentous revelation. To begin at the beginning:
When I was a boy, buttered toast was always buttered with butter (or margarine if you were poor, but let's skip that inconvenient fact as irrelevant.) Nowadays I use stuff which comes in a plastic tub and which says 'buttery' on the outside. Proper people don't; they only use spread made with vegetable oil. But there's always been a hint of impropriety in my nature, and old dogs don't easily learn new tricks, so I decline to follow healthy convention and use the one that says 'buttery' on the tub. It even tastes of butter, albeit only slightly. And it's yellow, which is the colour of butter even though it's a sad fact of modern times that the colour has probably been added, or at least augmented, by some chemical or other. But no matter, and to get to the point:
The revelation, ah yes. I realised that an infallible way to judge a person' character is to examine the interior of their butter (or vegetable alternative) tub and see whether the yellow (buttery) colour is unpolluted. If it isn't, if it is tarnished with flecks of brown (toast crumbs) or random colours (jam, marmalade, or whatever), then the person has been remiss in his of her duty to use different implements for different processes. Such a person is clearly ill-disciplined, or at least unreliable, and you trust them at your peril. It's a failsafe guarantee, so never accept their invitation to tea, and most certainly never marry one.
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