How the World was Won.

If you want to take over large parts of the world and resettle them with people of your own colour and culture, take a leaf out of the white man’s book. This is our manual – simplified, maybe, but the main points are there.

1 Make an initial landing with a fairly small party and smile a lot at the natives. Tell them you come in peace and give them gifts to instil a false sense of security. At the same time, weigh up their weaponry and defensive systems.

2 Once you can be sure that their weapons are vastly inferior to yours and that they are defensively fragmented, return with a force of well armed soldiers and tell the natives that you’re taking their land whether they like it or not.

3 When the natives decide to fight you for it, use your superior weapons to blow them away. If that fails, as it sometimes will because the natives will often be stronger, braver and tougher than your own troops, move onto item four.

4 Make peace with them and promise to talk about the whole thing sensibly and without further bloodshed. This will lead them into a second false sense of security. Then you can manoeuvre them into a position of weakness and break your promises. They won’t be expecting this because they really are that naive – for now.

5 Once they are suitably subdued, get them to throw away their own religion and adopt yours. If you can persuade them that it isn’t only their mortal lives that are in peril, but even their very souls, it will be easier to terrify them into further subservience. This is best done using well-meaning people who actually believe that what they are doing is good and worthy. The natives are more likely to believe them than a bunch of politicians and soldiers who have already proved that they can’t be trusted.

6 This won’t always work because sometimes the natives won’t be quite that naive. In some cases they will rebel against the carriers of the good word and might even become highly aggressive. You can use this to your advantage, because you can depict the beleaguered missionaries as heroes and demonstrate to your support base back home that the natives are very substandard people who really need you to be there. You then have all the backing you need to visit fire and the sword on any members of the wayward and sub-human populace who still want to remain independent.

7 Once the locals are well under the thumb you can set about persuading your excess population at home that you have opened up a promised land for them. Not only is it flowing with milk and honey, it’s even relatively safe. You will, however, have to keep a well armed force of soldiers in the proximity of the settlers because it won’t be quite as safe as you want it to be yet. You’ve still got a few decades of slaughter to go before you’ll be fully in charge.

8 When the battle is finally won and most of the natives have been exterminated, set about isolating and marginalising the few that remain. This will convince the settlers, who now hold an unassailable power base, that the aboriginals are indeed different and sub-standard, and therefore not worth worrying about.

9 The final consolidation. The point will eventually be reached where the sad remnants of the original inhabitants will sink into a pit of despair. Being only human, most of them will become idle and seek solace in drugs and alcohol. Others will feel angry and dispossessed, and will turn to crime. This is so predictable that you can rely on it absolutely. You can then apply the coup de grace. You can hold them up to your own people and say ‘Look how lazy, drunk and irresponsible these people are. Did we not tell you all along that they were inferior to you? Do you not see how we did them a favour by deigning to rule them?’ Fait accompli.

Clever, isn’t it?