This is as self-indulgent as I get, so stop reading now if that’s a problem. But this is my blog, and I’ve never asked anybody to read it, so that’s OK.
I sometimes have difficulty knowing just who I am. It feels like the real me has nothing to do with JJ Beazley. He’s just a reflection of some manufactured persona, constantly being adjusted to accommodate the changing winds of fate. He doesn't really exist. Maybe that’s why I dislike egoists so much. Maybe it’s why nobody ever comes to tea. Still, at least I don’t feel a failure, whatever one of those is. But it does cause problems.
One of my favourite lines from a Bob Dylan song is:
For them that think death’s honesty won’t fall upon them naturally, life sometimes must get lonely.
Replace ‘death’s’ with ‘life’s’ and the line is surprisingly apposite.
That was tonight’s bathing muse. And entirely sober.
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I think everyone has different aspects or personas of themselves. A lot of people tell me that when they're with different people they're always displaying a different side of themselves. Say, when I'm with my sister, I'm more calm, but when I'm with my friends, I'm a bit more crazy. It's just how humans operate, Jeff. Don't be upset. It's only natural to have different personas of yourself, even if you think it's not you- it IS you. Anyway, it's YOU who chooses what to write on YOUR blog :)
I hear ya', loud and clear my good sir. And I agree with Lucy, I think everyone has different aspects or personas of themselves.
And, "It's alright Ma" is one of my favourite songs.
Greetings ladies. Do come to tea if ever you're over this way. I'll push the boat out and buy some English muffins.
I'm not upset, actually. It's just a regular muse of mine. I think the question 'who am I?' is about as deep and complex as it gets, if you really think about it. There doesn't seem to be a simple answer, so eventually you switch off again and get on with being whoever it seems you are today - and, yes, that often depends on who you're with. It can become a slight problem, however, when you haven't seen anybody for weeks and you confront the question in isolation. Anyway...
Thanks for the conceren, Lu, and that song is my all time Dylan favourite, McC. What do you think of the fact that a lot of his earliest stuff was based on traditional Irish folk songs - inspired by his time in Greenwich Village?
I just typed a comment that the internet has decided to cancel :( so here goes again:
Theres this saying that goes 'life isn't about finding yourself, it's about creating yourself' - i usually turn to that for solace when that question makes me gloomy. But I'v never been isoltated long enough to let my thoughts go too far.
How long will this isolation of yours last Jeff? There are some good aspects of the world worth coming back for :)
I just typed a comment that the internet has decided to cancel :( so here goes again:
Theres this saying that goes 'life isn't about finding yourself, it's about creating yourself' - i usually turn to that for solace when that question makes me gloomy. But I'v never been isoltated long enough to let my thoughts go too far.
How long will this isolation of yours last Jeff? There are some good aspects of the world worth coming back for :)
Oh, Jen. Big, big, big subject here. The saying is, I think, highly debatable. It depends on what level it operates on, what it means exactly, and how you put it into effect. I think one of the problems with ‘civilised’ culture is that the system encourages you to do just that – create yourself. It also gives you a series of tantalizing options to choose from so it can manipulate the persona you’ve created. Thus, I believe, the majority of people live with a delusion created to serve the interests of those who are, overtly or covertly, running the show. That’s basically what the hippy movement was about – an attempt to get people to come together, find their truer, inner selves, and gain the strength to do it through unity. It failed because the system was too strong and too insidious. The problems with ‘isolating’ yourself from the conditioning of Mother Culture are:
1) It’s virtually impossible to do it completely while you’re living in a ‘civilised’ society.
2) There are so few people doing it at the moment that it’s difficult to find the support of like-minded people. My ex did it, but only as a result of becoming a Buddhist. Buddhists in the west tend to be naturally so inclined.
3) It’s bloody tough, because it places you on the outside and it’s easy to get lonely in that situation. This is a two edged sword because the essential problem with loneliness isn’t the aching for contact with other people, but the fact that it further challenges one’s sense of self. The difficulty is that once you’ve seen through it, there’s no way back. You can’t simply close your eyes and pretend to forget what you’ve learned. What you have to hold onto is the fact that you’re going through a difficult learning process, and that difficult processes tend to teach the best lessons.
Despite the above, I’m generally a very happy person. It’s only now and then that I slip into the pit. It happens to people like me, but it doesn’t usually last long.
I wish we could sit and talk long into the night, Jen. The early hours are the best for discussing this kind of thing. And I do appreciate your concern. Thank you. Having you visit means a lot to me. Please don’t stop just because I’ve taken issue with something.
of course not :) and please don't hold back on your true thoughts either, for fear of offending me. Anything you say essentially makes a good deal of sense anyway.
I feel I understand what you mean about the isolation thing.. but does that mean you don't plan on ever rejoining society the way you used to? Because obviously through your eyes things will never be the same again. Why then, create all that trouble for yourself? I'm beginning to question the entire purpose of these soul-searching, self wrought actions - the purpose is enlightenment isn't it? But enlightenment does not always bring happiness. Happiness is also clearly not your goal. Then what is? And who bears witness to all your sufferings and acheivements, if you are thus living alone, on your own terms, away from the rest of civilization that might remember all the greatness after you've gone.
remember the philosphy that stated the purpose of human life was to simply enjoy oneself? anything that brings pleasure is good. Why else are we alive? Any essential greatness we acheive in our minds is lost when we are gone. What do you think?
also, about 'who we really are'. Is there really a definition? Can we really find that? Are we not just who we happened to be in this life, due to the random circumstances that brought us here. Could we not easily have been born someone else, led completely different lives and been different people? Or do you believe that there is fate, and that there is only one us, predeterrmined. I don't really know...
I just feel there is still so much you could do in the world Jeff, too soon for you to close the door yourself.
Or maybe you could emerge from the isolation a new and revitalised being, with a fresh agenda.
Anyway, bedtime.
Bloody hell, Jen, what are you trying to do to me? There are so many questions here!
For a start, let me say that I’m highly flattered you should even be interested in me and my little life, and I really can’t imagine why you are. Or maybe the things I say merely irritate you and you’re annoyed. If it isn’t the latter, read on.
I couldn’t possibly answer all this lot in a single comment. I could start with working on a few definitions - ‘happiness,’ for example. I could explain why I’m happier now than I was when I was in my twenties and walking dutifully between the tramlines. The fact that I feel lonely sometimes and occasionally get depressed doesn’t mean I’m not a fundamentally happy person. The two aren’t connected, because happiness has nothing to do with the ephemeral nature of mood. I’m only beginning to scratch the surface here. I could write pages on this subject alone, and some of the other questions are even bigger.
I don’t want to dodge what you’re asking me, because there are some important issues involved, but Blogger isn’t an adequate forum. All I can suggest is this:
If you’re really interested in the central core of my ‘journey’ so far, you’re quite welcome to read my novel. How I came to this point is really what it’s all about. I should warn you, though, it concentrates on the spiritual journey, not the secular one, and draws a lot from Buddhist and Taoist philosophy. You only have to ask and I’ll send it as an e-mail attachment. The problem with answering your questions at the moment is that my replies would make little sense without a background knowledge of my fundamental views on life.
That’s a tall order, isn’t it? I really don’t expect you to take me up on it.
In any event, bless you for your interest.
haha, you're very welcome. And actually I would love to take a look at this book of yours, although I can't promise I'll be able to finish it immediately. I suppose it's because you're different to other people, and all your thoughts kind of reflect my own thoughts maybe a few decades down the track. Do you believe in existentialism?
Hiya Jen. I've never got my head around Existentialism, and maybe I should. I read a bit about it after I'd finished The Age of Reason and was delving into Sartre a bit. According to what I read, it opposes Determinism which has been my central philosophy of material life for a long time. I suppose the reason I'm so fond of it is that I worked it out for myself before I knew it had a name, so I think of it as my baby! Determinism isn't the same as Fatalism, of course, and doesn't deny free will.
AS for the novel, I'll send it to you as an e-mail attachment and you can read it or not as you please.
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