Down Time.

I woke up this morning feeling more scared than usual to get up and face the day. I wondered why, but the only thing I could think of was that it was the day for the Chancellor to make his much awaited – and largely dreaded – autumn statement. It was a start, but it wasn’t enough. Trepidation is one thing, but being scared almost witless quite another. I never did get to the bottom of it, although the day isn’t over yet so maybe I still have the chance to find out.

What I find odd, though, is that I’ve generally been able to keep a cool head when faced with scary things. Why I should be driven to a state of near-dysfunction when I don’t even know what I’m scared of is a mystery.

I sometimes wonder whether my intuition is telling me that some major, world-wide cataclysm is approaching, but what I really suspect is that it might be the low light levels which prevail at this time of year. November to January has always tended to drop me into a perpetual state of low mood – and even provided some of the most potent triggers – and the long shadows cast by the depleted sun at noon always make the day feel colder than it actually is.

But you know what? When I applied to leave my training as a naval officer, the main reason was that I couldn’t tolerate the degree of control forced onto me by the rules and requirements of the service. I felt weighed down by a kind of intense mental claustrophobia. And I decided that if the Admiralty was to be unsympathetic and disallow my request, I would take the first opportunity to apply for the submarine branch because it was said to be a lot more relaxed than life up top. Imagine that. If I can be driven down by dark skies, how much worse would it have been to languish in a big, scantily-lit tin can 500ft below the bonny briny for days or even weeks at a time?

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I bought two more seasons of Buffy this week. Mel tells me that the odd numbered seasons are better than the even ones, so here’s hoping that Armageddon doesn’t arrive before I get around to them.