On Self-Remonstration.

I went to Uttoxeter today for the first time in over a year. I’ve been confining my minimal shopping trips to Ashbourne where the Covid infection rate has been consistently lower, but I needed some materials to make a new bird table and the only place I knew would have them in stock happened to be in Uttoxeter.

Long story short…

After I’d passed through the checkout, the young woman operative came around to help me get the timber comfortably settled under my arm for the purpose of carrying it to the car. In so doing she came to within a few inches of me, and two of my multiple personalities woke up.

‘OMG!’ said the sensible and cautious one. ‘You haven’t been this close to another human being – apart from doctors and nurses who don’t count – for over a year. You might be about to become an uncomfortable statistic.’

The other said:

‘Wowee! I haven’t been this close to an attractive young woman for a hell of a lot longer than that. This is fun.’

Sensible-and-cautious glared like an aged Puritan matron with a bun where her hair should be and eyes of superheated steel.

‘Am I objectifying women?’ asked the other, suitably chastened.

‘Yes.’

‘That’s not good, is it?’

‘It most certainly is not.’

‘Oh well, I’ve heard it said that one should embrace one’s faults.’

‘And correct them…’

‘But if I corrected them I’d have nothing to embrace, would I? Have a heart.’

I’d reached the car by then and was engaged in the struggle to get the 8ft long piece inside the vehicle without breaking anything, at which point the two personalities went pouf and assumed the status of a minor memory. It just came back to me, which is why I’m writing this post.