Musing on Resumption.

I recently came across a post of mine written a couple of years ago around the fact that the Welsh word for ‘film’ is ‘ffilm.’ The double f proved fertile ground for humorous comment and I thought it rather good; it even made me laugh, which very few things do.

I miss writing my blog, you know. I’ve written one post in over six weeks, and that only a paltry explanation for my absence. Since I have so little verbal or social intercourse – at least the meaningful and energising sort – with other members of my species, the dear old blog has undoubtedly been my chief confidant for a long time now. But as the fog of uncertainty on the health issue has grown thicker, the expectation of bad or even devastating news more pressing, and the lack of any wind to catch the sails more frustrating, the will to confide and communicate has slipped into stasis. I haven’t stopped observing and noting and forming words to express my mental dalliances, but they have lacked the will to slip out of my head and onto the page.

Today, for example, I saw something somewhere which nudged me to start writing posts again, but now I can’t remember what it was. Like everything else which has prompted me to resume the throwing of words into the wind, it was strangled by the nervous anticipation of receiving yet another white envelope marked Private and confidential. Addressee only some time over the next week or so. Such a missive would almost certainly bode poor prospects for whatever future I still have.

And then there’s the question of whether the words ever land anywhere anyway, or whether they drift aimlessly into the vastness of space as fragments of energy destined to drift through the dark cosmos for all eternity. Blogger stats tell me every day that people visit this blog, but I’m not sure I believe it. I suspect it’s merely a contrivance engineered by Google to keep their flock in the fold. Not that it matters, of course; I’ve always said that I write the blog for myself not an audience, but it’s another little weight to add to the scales on the ‘why bother?’ side.

And yet I’d still like to get moving again, to push the troublesome issues and anxieties and the sense of being in limbo aside and pretend that everything is normal and life goes on as usual. I’ll see what happens over the next few days. If nothing does, I’ll make the effort.

Then again, if nobody is going to read what I’m saying here, is there any point in posting it? I think so. It can’t do any harm and I have the best of all reasons for posting it anyway: I want to.