The Scourge of Automania.

I had to change my mobile phone provider recently because my old one (a company called Plusnet who were mostly a delight to deal with) were ceasing their mobile operation. They directed me to EE, one of the ‘big four’ mobile providers in the UK, and so I set about becoming an EE customer. That was the beginning of a nightmare.

I won’t bother to go over the initial troubles, partly because I can’t be bothered and partly because the initial difficulty is now history. But today I had a few questions to ask – like why have they got my name wrong, why have they got my address wrong, how on earth did they manage to get them both wrong because I’m certainly not responsible for the errors, and what is my account number because they’ve given me two different ones. I decided to call them in an obviously forlorn hope that I might be able to speak to somebody. What I actually got was the beginning of an automated service.

The Voice began the menu options with ‘If you want to speak to someone, press 1.’ I pressed 1.’ ‘I’m sorry,’ said The Voice, ‘that’s not on my list. I’ll run through the options again.’ And so it did, and I pressed 1 again because what else was there to do? ‘I’m sorry,’ said the voice a second time, ‘that’s not on my list. I’ll run through the options again.’ And so we continued until The Voice finally accepted the 1 and moved onto the second level of menu options, which was much longer. The right choice was 4 that time, and so I pressed 4. ‘I’m sorry,’ said the voice, ‘that’s not on my list. I’ll run through the options again.’ And so it did, and so I pressed 4 again, and so we continued until The Voice finally accepted the 4 and moved to the third level of options.

This continued through a third, a fourth, and a fifth level of menu options. Sometimes The Voice would say ‘I’m sorry, that’s not on my list’ and sometimes it would intone ‘I’m having difficulty with your choice. I’ll run through the options again.’ This went on for at least half an hour until The Voice eventually said ‘I’m having difficulty with this call. Goodbye.’ And that was that.

I found the EE website in the (again, forlorn) hope that there might be an email facility. Nope, only a live chat option. Not the best of options, but at least I might get somewhere. Only it wasn’t a true live chat facility; it was a virtual assistant. ‘Oh dear,’ I thought, ‘the worst of all modern methods of communication, but let’s give it a try.’ I typed my three queries carefully and pressed Go. The reply came back almost instantaneously: ‘I’m sorry, I’m having difficulty with your long sentences. Please say the same thing again using shorter sentences.’ Having by that time wasted over an hour, I decided enough was enough. I replied ‘Go away.’

So my name is still wrong, my address is still wrong, and I still don’t know what my account number is.

I remember a time – not as long ago as we might imagine – when you simply dialled a number and someone picked up the phone with ‘Hello, my name’s Alan. How may I help?’ How did we get to the current parlous state of affairs in so short a time? (Don’t bother to answer that. Several factors are to blame, not least being the fact that Mrs Thatcher made the corporate world the cornerstone of the economy and, in so doing, rendered it virtually untouchable.) And so the phrase of the time was born and may be heard on lips the length and breadth of dear old Blighty:

‘Everything is broken.’